March 15, 2008
Continuing our conversation with Author, Tamera Daun!!!
In your book, you discuss how often therapy ends up as an opportunity to focus on the unpleasant and/or the things you can not change, BRAVO!
As parents though, your children come here with pretty much a clean slate until we mess them up ~ What is your best advice on raising well-rounded but not fear-mongered beings?
In my couples coaching, I received a nice surprise, and that was that of approximately 9 out of every 10 couples contacting me with questions or wanting help, the contact was instigated by the males. I resonated with them. Believe me when I state that the women in these relationships were not UNhappy about it. They were quite ecstatic, because is not a relationship about the preferences of both people? Men were willing when they felt there was someone capable of understanding their perspective, and the ways in which they problem-solved. Talking has its place in every relationship, but we have to be careful not to overplay it if we wish for men to want to become engaged. Why? Because not all men will SEE that things are getting solved. So very many times we stagnate in the talking-mode, repeatedly reliving all that is not healthy, and we forget about where it is that we want to move towards. It is this way in relationships, and it is so for individuals in relationship to themselves.
Usui Reiki, through its ancient history, provided for me, a new outlook to this journey we call life. In our modern world, we have become accustomed to the fact that everything must happen so very quickly. If we want for something to happen, and the results do not appear shortly, we become discouraged, and give up. If we are burned by our past, we do not allow ourselves to even try, for what is the use? If everyone closed their eyes for a moment and envisioned themselves at the age of 90 or more, they would realize that they actually have more time than they realize to figure things out. Worry and over-stressing causes the mind and body damage, so we need to be kinder towards ourselves, and our bodies will continue to work for us.
One myth people carry with them, is that there is such a thing as wrong choices. This is in my opinion, an illusion that needs to be released. There are choices, but there are no wrong choices. Each choice leads us on a new path of learning and experience, and even if that learning results in the knowingness of what one does not wish to repeat. Each situation we have experienced throughout our lives has made us who we are, and there are always residing strengths. People must learn to be more thankful of who they have become. And, even thank the people that have hurt them, as they provided a learning experience. However, that does not mean that we should allow this type of hurt to happen time and time again in the future. The learning should also encompass this, and teach us to like ourselves more, so that we do not interact with hurtful people. We can remain open and vulnerable, without being trampled upon.
Another myth people carry is that it will be painful if they dare to move ahead despite their fear. We imagine a lightening bolt will hit us if we should even dare to try. It is the illusion that it will all happen at once, and will be too much to handle. Thus, residing in fear becomes security, just as a child with their blanket. At least it is known. We know our fears. The process does not happen in this way. It is much more kind and caring than we think. Life is also much more kind and enjoyable than we think. It is we that attach ourselves to the hardships. So, if people entertain the thought of something that they would like to try or change, they can then relax. Why? Because your journey forward will take you there, one tiny step at a time. It will not bombard you, causing you to lose your breath. It does not happen all at once. You will not be given more to handle than you can handle. Yet, people must work on their willingness to stretch, and enter the learning lessons that follow. People will also become aware of the small things within themselves that stand in the way of them moving forward, and they will release them when they are willing to release them. This is what we call development, and when a decision is made, we enter a process of awareness. The answers will come, but they may not always appear at the exact time and demands of the individual. What is the old saying? When the student is ready, the teacher will appear?
Fear is not something that is to be overcome. Fear is innately human, that cannot entirely be escaped. Yet, much of our unrealistic fears should be released, and the only thing allowing them to remain is our attachment to them. If we never experienced fear, we would be in danger of extinction as a human race. Fear felt in accordance to realistic dangers lead us to act in order to survive.
After living abroad for 18 years, I saw the United States in a different light. Being American myself, I then learned much about myself. I would like for Americans to be aware of something regarding fear, as it is not all-present in every culture. At least not manifested in the same ways. The United States is a fear-based society, yet it is not the fault of Americans. It is what it is, and it is very much a product of the history of this country. What I mean, is this. The pioneers of this country lived lives of, "survival of the fittest". This country is based upon, "sink or swim". So, it is a matter of history, and we continue to live as though someone were chasing our heels, and even though so very many have more than surplus of the necessities than they actually need. It becomes, "can't have enough, because you never know. Just in case", and the wealthy people feel the same fears. A strange thought, yet if people really managed to wrap their minds around what this really means, they would find it easier to release much of their fear, and much work is then done. When you wrap your mind around it, it is easier to look around at the small things, and remember all the surplus, and be thankful for it. It can then help to practice exchanging those thoughts of disaster with thoughts of appreciation for what one does have, and enjoy it now! Politics, corporations, and the media know how to play on fear in people. I encourage everyone to pull the little rebel out within them, and reject allowing anyone or anything to add to their bags of fear.
People forget to question their fears, and they equip themselves for things that have not yet happened, and may not ever happen. Homes are equipped with hand-weapons, and children learn by example of what they should do to counteract..what? Yes, exactly what? To counteract fear. Fear is only fear, and nothing more. This is how they learn to problem-solve instead of pulling out their residing inner-strength, and consider other solutions. This is just one example, and every culture handles things differently. Did you all know that the police don't carry weapons in Norway? The need is not as strongly felt as it is in this society, because it is not only the police. The general population in Norway is not walking around with weapons either. Can you all see a contradiction that our fears lead us to do? The contradiction is that we wish for the police to protect us, yet we continuously create a more dangerous environment for them to work in. We become more afraid of potential happenings, harm, and death. We forget to love living.
That which is projected upon our children, is only a projection of our inner selves as parents. Nothing can change until parents enter processes of awareness and development. It is just the way it is. As parents, we continue to project until we become aware of that which we are projecting. When we engage in the journey and joy of life, our children learn by example. If we look ahead at the future of our children, and try to envision them as adults, what would we want for our children? I believe most would want their children to feel an inner-security that allows them to explore their wonderful lives, and the world around them. I believe that parents want their children to be happy, yet for children to be happy, they have to be allowed to be themselves, and not a replica of the parent. I believe that parents want their children to be healthy, so that they can enjoy life. I believe a lot of things, and I believe that parents mean well. However, when we do not know how to balance life, and nurture ourselves, how can we then teach our children their right in this world, and what they are worth? It's all on the inside, folks. It doesn't matter how well they play football, or how many instruments they master. If they don't know how to create their own inner well-being and happiness, it doesn't mean squat. Children find it difficult to develop in a healthy manner, if they are worried about all of those fearful things that they have learned to fear. Get it? In addition, I believe that trying to be super-parents that do more than the others at school and sporting functions only serves to satisfy our own egos. I do not believe that it impresses our children, for it takes other qualities to impress children.
We mean well as parents, but we use more time preparing them for danger and challenges, then we use to teach them to shine and love life! When we parents put our own preferences aside, sit down, and get to know WHO are children really are, and that which really inspires them, then we take a huge giant step forward. We can feel that they should be doing certain things, and they may do them, but that doesn't mean that it's right. It just means that they are doing that which we have taught them is the correct ways of doing things. We need to start asking our children for more advice and suggestions, and encourage them to become self-thinkers. We need to engage ourselves in that which inspires them. For example, if you have a child that is a little environmentalist, jump in, and learn together with them! Join them from their shoes, their perspective, and their independent thinking. Get to know them, learn from them, and enjoy watching them grow into happy individuals that WILL actually survive just fine without the fear, because they know who they are, and they feel a sense of high self-worth, and know that they have something to contribute to this world.